Jon Gosselin Has A New Woman! Already?!? What Happened To You Slowing Down?

What could these women possibly attractive in this man? I don’t understand. He has no money. Has 8 kids. And is ugly as the pitbull you just saw. What gives?

Image via/Jrcla2

Jon Gosselin, you know that one dude who used to have a reality show about raising his 8 kids with his now ex-wife, has a new girlfriend and her name is Morgan….Captain Morgan.

Okay, so she’s not named after a bottle of alcohol, but she must be tipping that bottle if she is ACTUALLY okay with rolling over and finding Jon Gosselin next to her in bed.

According to some nosey ass people, Jon Gosselin met this 23 year-old Morgan last December at a party in Park City Utah. The two have been inseperable since, as the mystery woman followed Jon to New York City to ring in the new year together.

And it seems like Gosselin has turned over a new leaf and actually has become, wait for it, *GASP* a good boyfriend!

Sources say:

“He watches out for her. When she drank too much at the club, he made sure she drank water. He held her arm leaving the club so she wouldn’t stumble. He made sure no guys took advantage of her.”

Isn’t that his friggin’ job in the very beginning?? Come on now, you’re 33 years old and you’re just NOW figuring this out?! Oh and take this as you will, but these same sources are claiming that this Morgan comes from a very wealthy family.

Hmmm….OctoDad? Check. Male GoldDigger? Check.

Seems like Jon is working on his resume.

dOOr cLoSeD.

-Damien

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Oh Thank God! Kate Gosselin Not Getting Her Own Dating Show!

So, there is a God? Not that I doubted it, but this has to prove it. Forget finding Jesus’ tomb or the cross he carried. This piece of news proves that he does answer our prayers.

Wanna date me? Too damn bad! (Image via/Babble.com)

I was beginning to wonder if this story would turn out to be true, but thankfully it isn’t.

Kate Gosselin, you know that one chick who divorced that fat dude, but not before starring in a reality show raising their eight kids, was rumored to be in talks of receiving her own reality show, after Jon & Kate plus Eight was cancelled.

This is not new, as we have known for a while that she was going to receive her own show with TLC. But when reports were suggesting that the show would be a dating show, I about sh*t my pants. I prayed that this wasn’t true and that someone would just offer her a spot on Dancing with Stars to distract her from this idea.

Luckily, somone at TLC listened and a rep from the network has confirmed that Kate Gosselin will not be appearing in a dating show. Thank GOD! But they will not say what kind of show will premiere in the spring of 2010 with Gosselin.

So, we just have to wait and see. I think not telling what the show is about signals one of two things (or both!): 1) TLC still has no friggin’ idea what they are going to do with this woman and/or 2) They are trying really hard to keep Kate Gosselin’s name in the news and rev up buzz for this new “mystery” show.

Either way, I know my ass will be plopped in front of the tube when her show debuts. Whether I stay past the first commercial…now, that’s asking a lot.

dOOr cLoSeD.

-Damien

P.S. Don’t forget to check out the Archives of Close the Door, Please for more gut busting (can that really happen) entertainment stories!

Did You Hear? Jon Gosselin’s Apartment Ransacked!

You really done pissed someone off now, Mr. Gosselin. Could it be your hoe-bag girlfriend, Hailey Butterface? According to her, you haven’t been paying the rent, Johnny boy. Hmm, it looks like someone is trying to get your attention.

Image via/Jrcla2

After having a family filled weekend, Jon Gosselin, that one fat dude with eight children (why don’t we call him the Octo-Dad?) and bad fashion sense, returned to his New York apartment, in which he allegedly shares with his aforementioned girlfriend, to find that it had been broken into and ransacked.

According to Gosselin’s lawyer, Jon’s furniture, clothing, sheets, and luggage had apparently been slashed with a butcher by the perpetrator. An irreplaceable 100 year-old Ming vase was also found to be destroyed during the break-in.

Question, how the hell can you afford a 100 year-old Ming vase? Why do you have one? And with this bit of information we can all assume that you weren’t planning on having your children over seeing that you bought an irreplaceable piece of art. Damn, shame.

Of course Jon’s mouthpiece is turning this into a quest for sympathy for poor Johnny Boy, saying:

“The greatest damage from this vicious, mean spirited and heartless crime was perpetrated not on Jon’s property and possessions, but on Jon Gosselin himself who experienced a traumatic, emotional, roller coaster ride having just shared a joyful family gathering with his children.”

God those lawyers are good. Not that I think much sympathy will be gained from this situation, but, hey, at least he tried. Oh, and according to the police, a note was “”affixed to Jon’s bedroom dresser by a butcher knife.”

Hmm, how Murder She Wrote of them.

My take on all this. Let me see. You live in a million dollar bachelor shared by your girlfriend who doesn’t believe you are paying your half of the rent. We already know that bitch is a little loopy, so what do you think I’m trying to get at?

Door closed.

-Damien